Before & After
by xGlass
Summary: In which Finland has doubts.


**Before & After**

I don't own Hetalia!

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><p>Finland couldn't help it—it was all so familiar, and it'd been so long since Sweden had last held him. Finland was trying desperately to get caught up in the moment, his hands intertwined in Sweden's hair as he tugged his lover down to meet his lips.<p>

He knew it was supposed to feel right. He knewit was supposed to be some sort of magical reunion kiss. It was supposed to make all the decades spent with Russia fly away. Make everything go back to the way it was before. But it wasn't like that at all.

Finland felt his expectations crumble as Sweden's hand possessively groped his thigh. What could he say? Sweden had obviously been missing him terribly, at least if that welcome kiss had been anything to go by. Doubts were flying into Finland's mind at an incredible rate, but he wasn't sure he could tell Sweden to stop. Partially because he knew it'd break Sweden's heart, and mostly because Sweden was kissing him absolutely breathless.

But Finland wanted to talk. He needed to ease his doubts; the more Finland thought about it, the more he was certain he _didn't _want things to go back to the way they were before. He was his own country now, not a part of Sweden's, and while Finland would always love Sweden their relationship was going to have to change to accommodate this huge new aspect.

It wasn't that Sweden had been oppressive in the past, only sometimes a little bit, but Finland wanted equality. He wanted to make sure Sweden knew that even though he bottomed, and _liked _bottoming, that did not make him lesser in any way whatsoever. It did not correlate to his previous stature as a territory, it just proved the fact that Finland _as a personal choice _liked bottoming. There were to be no power plays or anything like that.

Thinking back on it, Finland honestly couldn't decide if his relationship with Sweden had been one of just pure Swedish dominance. Sweden never forced him, but they typically had sex whenever Sweden wanted it, how Sweden wanted it. Finland had always assumed he was just kind like that, but now he wondered if he'd been trying to make Sweden happy to keep himself from getting hurt.

Finland loved Sweden. He loved the face Sweden made when he was concentrating, because sometimes his tongue would slide out the side of his mouth and it was adorable. Finland loved the fact that Sweden never had to ask him if he was okay—Sweden could just tell, and would always act. Maybe not appropriately in all cases, but even his awkward attempts at making Finland feel better made Finland feel better simply because they were so _awkward. _ Sweden—Berwald—he was so adorably awkward.

And of course there was the fact that the sex was pretty damn amazing and Sweden had basically the most talent hands _ever _and his cock was ginormous and he had a very aesthetically pleasing body. Those things were all good.

Sweden made Finland feel beautiful. He knew he was a little chubby, and little slow, a little ditzy blond. Sweden held him like he was solid gold anyway.

It was just all very confusing. Finland broke the kiss and looked up into his partner's sea-green eyes. They were dazzling, and Finland was more conflicted than ever.

He wanted sex, but he wanted to talk first. But maybe, if Sweden wanted, they could have sex and then talk? Finland bit his lip and let his gaze fall to Sweden's chest. It was a very attractive chest, but did nothing to distract Finland from his dilemma.

Finland was mostly scared that he'd ask and Sweden would say no. Would Sweden say no? Finland didn't know. He honestly didn't know. Sweden might pretend not to hear or maybe he just was after the sex. Finland was a warm body that he could continuously return to, so would he actually listen to what Finland had to say? Maybe if he knew that sex would come after…?

"Could…" Finland began nervously, letting his gaze drop further down to rest on the floor. "C-Could we maybe, um, wait?"

Sweden's hands didn't move, and Finland closed his eyes against the onslaught on emotions.

"P-Please?"

Sweden's body weight shifted, and Finland flinched. Sweden froze.

"You're scared." Sweden mumbled, sounding sadder than Finland expected.

"I just, could we maybe just talk for a bit, Sve?" Finland's gaze stayed on the floor. Finland didn't think he could handle looking into Sweden's eyes.

Sweden's hands wrapped around Finland's waist and he gently lead the smaller nation towards the couch. Sweden sat down and pulled Finland onto his lap.

Finland sighed, staring at Sve's couch in favor of what he was sure would be an incredibly intent stare.

"Fin." Sweden murmured, one hand coming up to gently rest under Finland's chin. The hand slowly lifted Finland's head, but his gaze determinedly stayed focused downward.

Sweden grunted in disapproval, but Finland didn't know what to do. He could feel his eyes start to water because Sweden was probably disappointedin him, and there was nothing that could make him feel worse.

Sweden seemed to notice, and cleared his throat uncomfortably. Sweden had never been good with tears, especially not Finland's.

"Don't cry." Sweden said, wrapping his arms around Finland once again and pulling him closer in a hug. "S'okay, I got you. S'okay."

That wasn't helping at all, because apparently Sweden thought Finland was emotionally distraught over his return. Which he _was, _but for different reasons than Sweden thought.

Finland let his forehead fall forward, resting on Sweden's shoulder.

"Will you just listen to me?" Finland blurted out, wiping his face on Sweden's bare shoulder.

"Always." Sweden wrapped his arms tighter, and Finland felt suffocated.

"I love you but… but listen, okay?"

"Okay."

"We can have sex after, okay, so please don't be m-mad at me—"

"Fin." Sweden interrupted. "S'not about that."

Finland blinked, startled. "But, I thought you—"

Sweden sighed, wearily leaning his head against Finland's own.

"Never if you don't want it." Sweden clarified.

"B-But, I don't understand." Finland felt the tears well up again against his best wishes. "Y-You, I'm not yours anymore, you know? So why, I thought—"

"You're mine like I'm yours." Sweden explained.

"What?"

"You're mine like I'm yours." Sweden repeated.

"No, I heard you. But I'm not yours anymore, Sve, I am my own now—"

"I know. But you're still mine."

"I'm not, though!"

"Fin." Sweden paused, trying to find the right words. "Your heartis mine like my heart is yours."

"Oh." Finland breathed. "_Oh._"

"Never do that to you." Sweden sounded a bit upset. "Love you too."

"Sve, I just—I'm sorry, I didn't know."

"Now you do. Love you. No more silly thoughts for Fin." Sve chastised with a small smile.

"Yeah." Finland agreed with a small grin of his own, finally meeting Sweden's eyes. "I don't want to right now, okay?"

"Perfectly okay."

"But we can still snuggle, okay?"

"Perfectly okay."

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><p>AN: Whoa, attempted history here. Whoa?


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